1. I sometimes hide in the closet, the pantry or bathroom when things get a bit too hairy at my house. These seem to be the only places I am able to make and carry on phone calls as well. I sometimes bring a book in and stay a while, even if the pounding on the door gets louder and louder. I wish my house was bigger sometimes so there were more places to hide...
2. I am not very good at playing. Meaning, I don't particularly enjoy getting on the ground and zooming Matchbox cars around or dressing up Barbie in a prom gown. I know that I did it as a child, but it was somehow a lot more fun back then. I am, however, a great story reader, so that makes me feel a bit better about my mothering abilities.
3. I get super mad (inside of course) when my kids try to steal a sip of my precious four dollar Starbucks drink or sneak a bite of my Chipotle taco. I share everything with them, and have given up everything from my body to my bed to my sanity..can't a girl have one thing to herself once in a while without feeling guilty?
4. I sometimes let my kids watch too much TV, or play too many computer games. I know, terrible, but they've learned so much..it's practically like sending them to college for free!
5. I sometimes get resentful that I cannot blast my "mommy" music in the car and instead must subject myself to certain, um, tunes. Barney, thankful, has never been one of them, but if I hear "Them Bones" one more time I'm gonna....
6. I grit my teeth when I hear "Mom!!" when I've already tucked my kids into bed and then tucked myself into bed under my comfy covers. I do not want to trudge downstairs to get one more glass of water when I've already "expired." I do, however, sometimes fear that the cry wolf scenario might play out and I might ignore the cries and find someone tied up downstairs when I wake up. But so far, that hasn't happened...
7. I did mention I am a super good story reader, but I will now confess that I sometimes skip words in a story. Lots of words. Like, almost all of them. But now my six year old daughter can read, so I have to be more careful.
8. I never really liked breastfeeding. In fact, I didn't like a minute of it. I never understood the "bonding" everyone talked about. I just felt like a giant milking cow the whole time. My husband wasn't too keen on it either. But, I did it because it was good for them, and it seems to have paid off as they're pretty healthy. So it was worth it, I think...
9. I throw away the kids' Sunday School papers as soon as we get home. Unless, of course, it's a super cute Noah's Ark or a hand printed Valentine or something special. But honestly, what's a mother to do with a zillion coloring pages? Even Grandma's fridge is getting too full...
10. I am sometimes still in awe that God thought me fit to raise four beautiful kiddos. I feel so humbled sometimes when I think about all my shortcomings. This is where his amazing grace comes in, which I'm eternally thankful!
P.S. I love my kids to death. This, I must confess! :)
Feb 14, 2009
Oct 27, 2008
My Guilt Free Holiday Season
The holidays are just around the corner, and as the panic starts to rise inside of me at the thought of digging the Christmas decorations out of the dusty closet in the garage (I never did find the fall ones..is it too late for those?) I refuse to let the guilt get ahold of me this year. Therefore, before any of the madness even starts, I will make myself some guilt-free rules.
1. I will not beat myself up because I don't know how to make those cutesie little bows on top of packages, even though I was hired as a gift wrapper at a department store years ago and had an employee show me over and over how to make them. My presents may be simply wrapped (or gift bagged, for that matter!) but I will remember that it is the gift inside that matters, not the packaging.
2. I will not spend hours trying to get the perfect family photo to send out to friends and family (ie: the photo in which all six family members are matched to the tee, smiling, standing up straight, and arranged in front of the Fashion Island Christmas tree) If I have to use a family photo from the beach this summer in which we are all sandy and mussy-haired but accounted for, I will do so.
3. I will not fret about baking twelve dozen cookies for the annual cookie exhange this year. If I do muster the energy to bake myself into an oblivion, I will not feel bad if mine are not the prettiest on the table and/or if they are the bar kind you can cut into teeny little pieces.
4. I will not spend hours at the mall, Target, etc in search of the perfect gift for each person on my list. I will do my best, but if I have to resign to online and catalog shopping, so be it. And if the perfect gift cannot be found within reason, I will remind myself that the people on my list should love me just as I am, not for the gifts I might buy them.
5. I will not let it be the end of the world if I have to settle for an e-mailed Christmas card this year, as the thought of licking 75 envelopes, addressing them by hand and purchasing stamps seems a bit daunting. (Thank you, facebook, blogs and the like. You can all see my family at their finest on your computer and save it forever)
6. I will not worry if my house is not picture perfect when the family arrives, or if there are dust bunnies under the guest bed and crumbs on the floor. The most important thing is spending time with those we love, not impressing them, right??
7. I will not feel bad if we don't eat on our Christmas china or make hot cocoa in those adorable glass snowman mugs I have because I simply don't feel like doing four loads of dishes. Paper plates are a wonderful invention, and even come in festive colors. Though, if we eat on plain white, I won't bat an eye at it either.
8. I will not cry if we have to set up the fake Christmas tree instead of trekking up to the mountains or the Home Depot parking lot in search of a perfectly symmetrical pine tree. Fake trees can be decorated nicely these days, and some even come with a fresh pine scent. No fire hazard included.
9. I will not fret if I have to wear the same black dress I wore to the annual work Christmas party last year. I will remind myself that I am being economical and practical, that no one will really care what I wear anyway, and that I should be thankful it still fits after my dive into the fudge tin last Christmas.
10. I will not, under any circumstances, bear any guilt if I regift a present this year. (Don't worry, it won't be yours. )
1. I will not beat myself up because I don't know how to make those cutesie little bows on top of packages, even though I was hired as a gift wrapper at a department store years ago and had an employee show me over and over how to make them. My presents may be simply wrapped (or gift bagged, for that matter!) but I will remember that it is the gift inside that matters, not the packaging.
2. I will not spend hours trying to get the perfect family photo to send out to friends and family (ie: the photo in which all six family members are matched to the tee, smiling, standing up straight, and arranged in front of the Fashion Island Christmas tree) If I have to use a family photo from the beach this summer in which we are all sandy and mussy-haired but accounted for, I will do so.
3. I will not fret about baking twelve dozen cookies for the annual cookie exhange this year. If I do muster the energy to bake myself into an oblivion, I will not feel bad if mine are not the prettiest on the table and/or if they are the bar kind you can cut into teeny little pieces.
4. I will not spend hours at the mall, Target, etc in search of the perfect gift for each person on my list. I will do my best, but if I have to resign to online and catalog shopping, so be it. And if the perfect gift cannot be found within reason, I will remind myself that the people on my list should love me just as I am, not for the gifts I might buy them.
5. I will not let it be the end of the world if I have to settle for an e-mailed Christmas card this year, as the thought of licking 75 envelopes, addressing them by hand and purchasing stamps seems a bit daunting. (Thank you, facebook, blogs and the like. You can all see my family at their finest on your computer and save it forever)
6. I will not worry if my house is not picture perfect when the family arrives, or if there are dust bunnies under the guest bed and crumbs on the floor. The most important thing is spending time with those we love, not impressing them, right??
7. I will not feel bad if we don't eat on our Christmas china or make hot cocoa in those adorable glass snowman mugs I have because I simply don't feel like doing four loads of dishes. Paper plates are a wonderful invention, and even come in festive colors. Though, if we eat on plain white, I won't bat an eye at it either.
8. I will not cry if we have to set up the fake Christmas tree instead of trekking up to the mountains or the Home Depot parking lot in search of a perfectly symmetrical pine tree. Fake trees can be decorated nicely these days, and some even come with a fresh pine scent. No fire hazard included.
9. I will not fret if I have to wear the same black dress I wore to the annual work Christmas party last year. I will remind myself that I am being economical and practical, that no one will really care what I wear anyway, and that I should be thankful it still fits after my dive into the fudge tin last Christmas.
10. I will not, under any circumstances, bear any guilt if I regift a present this year. (Don't worry, it won't be yours. )
Oct 24, 2008
Do I laugh or do I cry?
So, it's been a while since I gave you all a good "Karen story". The truth is, I've been thru some pretty ukky stuff in the last few months, and I've sat down a thousand times to blog about my feelings and thoughts, but it all seems too much to put down into words at this point. So, instead, I'll give you one of my "Do I laugh or cry moments." Last weekend, we went to visit my brother in San Luis Obispo. We decided to stay in a Best Western a few minutes south of where he is living. I was excited for the get away, but also apprehensive, as traveling with four children is never terribly, well, relaxing. It seems there is never a shortage of sibling fights over Cheez Its, what music to listen to, or who has more wiggle room in the backseat during the drive. This, of course, all took place on our four hour drive. My husband had the lovely idea of doing a "pleasant scenic drive" along the 101 coast freeway, which sounds, well, pleasant, but turned out to be an extra long way of getting to our destination, thus prolonging the fights, etc. All in all, we arrived in one piece. I do have to say things are getting a bit easier as the kids get older. Oh, and having a 9 seater car helps a bit too. When things get really bad, we can start re arranging the kids musical chairs style. Kind of like getting a new seat mate in school. Exciting for perhaps the first thirty minutes, then you find some reason to pick on the kid. Anyhow, the ride was uneventful compared to the night at the hotel that ensued. We had a lovely dinner, then settled into bed at the hotel. We've stayed at this particular hotel before, and seemed to have gotten a decent nighst sleep. I had no reason to believe this would be any different. Well, just as we pulled the blankets over our heads, we heard a loud beeping siren type sound outside. I had remembered reading the sign above the wall about a siren warning that had something to do with the nuclear plant nearby. I jumped out of bed and ran to the door to try to pin point the noise as it kept going on and on, but saw nothing. I flipped on the TV to see if there was any warning as the sign had said, but nothing. So, I shrugged it off and went back to bed. Two hours later, a woman started screaming and pounding on the door next to us. "You left me, I didnt leave you!" she wailed for nearly half an hour, all the while screaming. Appeared to be some sort of lovers quarrel. Okay, now mind you, we're staying at the Best Western. Not the Ritz, but not Motel 6 either. I don't expect My name is Earl type fights outside my door at midnight. So finally, the woman roared off in her big truck and that was that. At least, until 2 am, when a country song started blaring through the air, jolting me out of the blip of sleep I'd just gotten. Ahh! The stupid alarm clock next to the bed! I fumbled for it and tried to shut it off. Two hours later, it went off again. Randy Travis wailing into my ear at the crack of drawn. Ugh!! Just as I got it turned off again, someone upstairs began banging and pacing back and forth for what semeed like hours. It was just 5 am by this point. I covered my ears with a pillow and tried not to cry. Then, when it seemed things could not get much worse, my son jumped up into bed with us, began whimpering in his sleep, and promptly bit my husband on the arm. Are you kidding me? This is where the "Do I laugh or cry comes in." Needless to say, there was but a wink of sleep that night. The next morning, we pinpointed the siren noise. It turned out to be an older fellow in a Prius with a bunch of plastic flowers duct taped on top (don't ask me) backing up and going forward over and over in his car. Uh. Huh.
Okay, so am I the only one who has these Do I laugh or cry moments? Thankfully, the LOrd has blessed me with a sense of humor. Perhaps because I've had so many of them. There comes a point when crying just seems futile, and laughing seems, well, easier. Sometimes the laughing comes later though. This was the case when I stayed at another Best Western a few years ago at the bottom of the Grapevine. (Yes, perhaps I should stop staying at Best WEsterns! But they offer a great rewards program and I'm three hotel stays away from a free night! Right.)
Anyhow, I was exhausted from a long drive back to OC from northern CA and had all four kids with me and no husband. Jeremy, my youngest, was just a baby at the time. I checked in and tried to settle the kids in, pretending it was bedtime even though it was completely light outside. I was exhausted, did I mention that? I had ordered a playpen for the baby, and spent a very frustrating half hour trying to set it up. I have never been very savvy with the setting up or taking apart of things, whether it be a tent or a board game. Needless to say, I was not a happy camper. I finally flung that thing across the room and opted to put him in my bed. At last, we were all asleep. Ahh. Bliss. Until two in the morning, when the fire alarm went off. Yes, the fire alarm. Not knowing what was going on, I groggily gathered all the kids, shoved my feet in my shoes and padded out of the room with them all in tow and downstairs to see what the commmotion was about. Turns out it was a false alarm. Some dumb kid pulled the alarm, trying to be funny. Nice prank. I was furious. Back to the room we went, but of course, the baby wanted nothing to do with sleep at that point. I was up the rest of the night, trying to keep from angering my next door neighbors as he screamed. The next morning, in a daze, I packed our things, unable to believe I had just shelled out nearly 100 bucks for a horrible nights sleep, when I could have just sucked it up and driven over the Grapevine. Just when I thought things couldnt get any worse, they did. I went to put the kids into the car, and told them to stand against the side of the hotel as I put our suitcases in. All of the sudden, Isaac and ANna began screaming and jumping up and down. "Ow! Ow!" they screamed. Turns out, I'd parked right next to a wasp nest and they'd both been stung multiple times. Okay, what are the odds, seriously? We werent on a wilderness campout. We were at a hotel. Are you kidding me? (Thanks, Tracy, for letting me borrow this phrase. I love it) Okay, so I'm really falling apart by now. I gathered the kids, took them into the hotel lobby, plopped down on a chair and started crying. I realized at that moment I hadnt even put any underwear on under my skirt. That's how tired and dazed I was. I know, just what you wanted to know. Anyhow, at last a kindly gentlemen helped me out with some Benadryl and such and we were on our way. I made a beeline (no pun intended) for Starbucks and picked up the biggest, most caffeinated drink they can make, and off I went.
Did I laugh? No, not right then. There was nothing funny about it, as you can imagine. I cried. I cried the whole way home. But the next day, as I relayed my story to my husband, I laughed so hystserically my ribs hurt for days.
So, there you go. There are many more, of course. For those of you who know me, these things just sort of happen. Right, Jennifer! :) A sense of humor is vital for a mom. Life is unpredictable. A good rule of thumb is that if you think things will go one way, they won't. Prepare for the worst. If they go well, give yourself a pat on the back. And if they go terribly awry, well, then laugh. It's scientifically shown that people who laugh live longer and have less health problems, and even less wrinkles! So go laugh at yourself today. Or me, if you prefer. Because I'm always good for a laugh.
Okay, so am I the only one who has these Do I laugh or cry moments? Thankfully, the LOrd has blessed me with a sense of humor. Perhaps because I've had so many of them. There comes a point when crying just seems futile, and laughing seems, well, easier. Sometimes the laughing comes later though. This was the case when I stayed at another Best Western a few years ago at the bottom of the Grapevine. (Yes, perhaps I should stop staying at Best WEsterns! But they offer a great rewards program and I'm three hotel stays away from a free night! Right.)
Anyhow, I was exhausted from a long drive back to OC from northern CA and had all four kids with me and no husband. Jeremy, my youngest, was just a baby at the time. I checked in and tried to settle the kids in, pretending it was bedtime even though it was completely light outside. I was exhausted, did I mention that? I had ordered a playpen for the baby, and spent a very frustrating half hour trying to set it up. I have never been very savvy with the setting up or taking apart of things, whether it be a tent or a board game. Needless to say, I was not a happy camper. I finally flung that thing across the room and opted to put him in my bed. At last, we were all asleep. Ahh. Bliss. Until two in the morning, when the fire alarm went off. Yes, the fire alarm. Not knowing what was going on, I groggily gathered all the kids, shoved my feet in my shoes and padded out of the room with them all in tow and downstairs to see what the commmotion was about. Turns out it was a false alarm. Some dumb kid pulled the alarm, trying to be funny. Nice prank. I was furious. Back to the room we went, but of course, the baby wanted nothing to do with sleep at that point. I was up the rest of the night, trying to keep from angering my next door neighbors as he screamed. The next morning, in a daze, I packed our things, unable to believe I had just shelled out nearly 100 bucks for a horrible nights sleep, when I could have just sucked it up and driven over the Grapevine. Just when I thought things couldnt get any worse, they did. I went to put the kids into the car, and told them to stand against the side of the hotel as I put our suitcases in. All of the sudden, Isaac and ANna began screaming and jumping up and down. "Ow! Ow!" they screamed. Turns out, I'd parked right next to a wasp nest and they'd both been stung multiple times. Okay, what are the odds, seriously? We werent on a wilderness campout. We were at a hotel. Are you kidding me? (Thanks, Tracy, for letting me borrow this phrase. I love it) Okay, so I'm really falling apart by now. I gathered the kids, took them into the hotel lobby, plopped down on a chair and started crying. I realized at that moment I hadnt even put any underwear on under my skirt. That's how tired and dazed I was. I know, just what you wanted to know. Anyhow, at last a kindly gentlemen helped me out with some Benadryl and such and we were on our way. I made a beeline (no pun intended) for Starbucks and picked up the biggest, most caffeinated drink they can make, and off I went.
Did I laugh? No, not right then. There was nothing funny about it, as you can imagine. I cried. I cried the whole way home. But the next day, as I relayed my story to my husband, I laughed so hystserically my ribs hurt for days.
So, there you go. There are many more, of course. For those of you who know me, these things just sort of happen. Right, Jennifer! :) A sense of humor is vital for a mom. Life is unpredictable. A good rule of thumb is that if you think things will go one way, they won't. Prepare for the worst. If they go well, give yourself a pat on the back. And if they go terribly awry, well, then laugh. It's scientifically shown that people who laugh live longer and have less health problems, and even less wrinkles! So go laugh at yourself today. Or me, if you prefer. Because I'm always good for a laugh.
Sep 12, 2008
On the other side now..or somewhere in between...
I had a small epiphane today in Target, of all places. I was passing the baby aisles, and for the first time in what seems like ages, I kept on going! Yup, no baby wipes to buy, no diapers in bulk, no bibs, baby spoons, teensie rattles, rash ointment...you name it, don't need it! Whew! What a strange feeling! Four kids and one tubal ligation later, my baby years are officially behind me. I should have been thrilled for this moment, should have literally stopped mid tracks in Target and done a cartwheel or two. But to be honest, I felt a twinge of sadness as I steered away from the diapers. I paused, racking my brain to think of someone I could buy diapers for. Or anything baby. Those teeny overalls are simply irresistible! And those chenille baby blankets? I want one in my size, please! Alas, no one came to mind. All of my friends, you see, are past their baby years too. What a strange feeling! Years of going to showers, oohing and aahing over pink baby booties and flowered dresses and tiny velcro hair bows...poof..over! Sleepless nights covered in baby spit up and crusty breast milk...gone! Again, you'd think I'd be jumping for joy, and truly, I have no desire to don those nasty nursing pads or DD nursing bras anymore, thank you. But right there in Target, for just a second, I actually missed it. All of it. The weary, bleary days of pushing the double stroller through those very aisles, absentmindedly grabbing for any generic pack of diapers that seemed to remotely fit my child. Frantically juggling a crying baby and screaming toddler at the check out line as I plopped my coupons down on the counter and fished for my Visa card in a sweat. Staggering out to the parking lot, breathing heavily, near panic attack, only to sit there for a good half an hour while the ice cream melted in the trunk as I nursed my howling, hungry baby. Turning up the radio to drown out the noise as I sped on home, praying that someone, anyone would fall asleep, and wishing at the same time that someone could be me!! Yes, I miss those days...maybe just a bit. Not enough to return, but enough to look back with fondness, laughter, and tears. The kindly woman at the check out line who gently tapped my shoulder and said "It goes so quickly, dear" was so right. With three kids in school, I now have time to actually saunter over to the Starbucks counter, ponder my options for more than two seconds, and enjoy a hot cup of coffee at my leisure before I begin my shopping. There is no wailing baby in the car seat strapped to the cart, no leaking boobs in the shoe aisle, no need to buy diapers, wipes...did I already say that?? And so I enter a new phase of my life. Not quite an "old" mom, but not so new anymore. Seasoned, I guess you could say, considering my oldest just started junior high. Not seasoned enough, though, that I can resist calling my mother in tears when my youngest wets his pants at Disneyland on the train ride. Not seasoned enough that I can safely say the temper tantrum days are behind me. No, I'm just hanging out somewhere in between. Reminiscing, enjoying, looking forward. Someday, these days too will be behind me. I'm thankful I'm now sane enough to enjoy them.
Sep 8, 2008
Journeys
Okay, so I am a bit addicted to Facebook. I didnt think I would ever get caught up in something like that, but it is actually pretty cool! I've found old friends and new alike, and come to discover that it's a great way to stay connected. Plus, it seems a bit more, shall we say, adult? than myspace. Or at least that is what I tell myself when I'm chatting away with my friends at midnight online!
One of the most interesting things about it is finding out where people ended up and what they are doing. I recently found one of my childhood best friends on there. She ended up becoming a chef, which didn't surprise me in the least, as growing up, her step dad was the most fabulous cook I'd ever met. She is married and has three kids and lives in Oregon. Another friend from junior high turned out to be a chemist (I always knew she was smart!) and is now getting her PhD in Europe! Wow! Puts me to shame!
As I think about these different friends, it strikes me as amazing at the different journeys we all ended up taking. As children, we were all the same, for the most part. We spent our days running through the sprinklers and licking Popsicles made from Tupperware molds, and crossed our fingers for a decent grade on our science fair project. We had crushes, made friendships in 2.2 seconds on the playground, and hoped for our favorite teacher each year. We had pesky siblings, watched Disney movies at sleep overs while rolling our hair in big curlers, and tried to not act too cool when we shaved our legs for the first time.
Now, here we are in our thirties, some of us with children, some not, some married, some not, some living on opposite sides of the States, and even the world! Who would have ever guessed these things growing up? Who could have known?
I, for one, knew I wanted to write since the first grade. My teacher told my mother I was an aspiring writer, and that was that. I never wanted to be anything else. I wanted to get married, and have two girls and a boy. I hadnt a clue the twists and turns life would take me on as my future unfolded.
The girl in the silly pink curlers at the slumber party didn't know she'd find herself a single mom at the age of 19, when most kids are still deciding on junior college. The girl in the Taco Bell uniform (yup, that was me, thank you very much!) hadn't a clue that one day she'd meet her husband on the Internet of all places, and wind up in a whirlwind romance that began on a pier in San Francisco and ended up in southern California. And the girl who dreamed about two little girls and a boy? Well, not quite. Three boys and one girl later (thanks to lots of prayer!) I got my sweet little red head and a car full of stinky soccer cleats!
Journeys. Where we begin, where we end up. My journey continued as the Lord led us to Arizona and then back nearly three years later. I found myself in a desert place, literally and spiritually, wondering if perhaps we'd made the biggest mistake of our lives. And then understanding, of course, that there are no mistakes, that God has already designed our journey for us. He's ridden ahead, paved the path, completely aware of each twist and turn our lives will take. Knowing he's a few paces ahead helps me keep focused on the path I'm on, even if I don't always know where I'm headed.
I don't know where I'll be in two years. Five years. Ten years. I knew a woman who plans her life ten years at a time. How can you, really? Sure, we can plan, we can dream, we can assume, but only the Lord holds the map.
Just tonight, I made plans that went terribly awry. I had evey intention of going some place that I very much wanted to go, and things did not go as planned. If you'd asked me this morning where I would be tonight, it wouldnt have been where I sit right now. The old me might have been disraught over this. And I admit, I am a tad disappointed. Okay, a lot. But it was not meant to be.
Not knowing where we're going is almost more exciting than knowing where we're going. Not knowing keeps us relying on God, the one who has no beginning, no end. Our future lies in his hands. The journey has just begun!
One of the most interesting things about it is finding out where people ended up and what they are doing. I recently found one of my childhood best friends on there. She ended up becoming a chef, which didn't surprise me in the least, as growing up, her step dad was the most fabulous cook I'd ever met. She is married and has three kids and lives in Oregon. Another friend from junior high turned out to be a chemist (I always knew she was smart!) and is now getting her PhD in Europe! Wow! Puts me to shame!
As I think about these different friends, it strikes me as amazing at the different journeys we all ended up taking. As children, we were all the same, for the most part. We spent our days running through the sprinklers and licking Popsicles made from Tupperware molds, and crossed our fingers for a decent grade on our science fair project. We had crushes, made friendships in 2.2 seconds on the playground, and hoped for our favorite teacher each year. We had pesky siblings, watched Disney movies at sleep overs while rolling our hair in big curlers, and tried to not act too cool when we shaved our legs for the first time.
Now, here we are in our thirties, some of us with children, some not, some married, some not, some living on opposite sides of the States, and even the world! Who would have ever guessed these things growing up? Who could have known?
I, for one, knew I wanted to write since the first grade. My teacher told my mother I was an aspiring writer, and that was that. I never wanted to be anything else. I wanted to get married, and have two girls and a boy. I hadnt a clue the twists and turns life would take me on as my future unfolded.
The girl in the silly pink curlers at the slumber party didn't know she'd find herself a single mom at the age of 19, when most kids are still deciding on junior college. The girl in the Taco Bell uniform (yup, that was me, thank you very much!) hadn't a clue that one day she'd meet her husband on the Internet of all places, and wind up in a whirlwind romance that began on a pier in San Francisco and ended up in southern California. And the girl who dreamed about two little girls and a boy? Well, not quite. Three boys and one girl later (thanks to lots of prayer!) I got my sweet little red head and a car full of stinky soccer cleats!
Journeys. Where we begin, where we end up. My journey continued as the Lord led us to Arizona and then back nearly three years later. I found myself in a desert place, literally and spiritually, wondering if perhaps we'd made the biggest mistake of our lives. And then understanding, of course, that there are no mistakes, that God has already designed our journey for us. He's ridden ahead, paved the path, completely aware of each twist and turn our lives will take. Knowing he's a few paces ahead helps me keep focused on the path I'm on, even if I don't always know where I'm headed.
I don't know where I'll be in two years. Five years. Ten years. I knew a woman who plans her life ten years at a time. How can you, really? Sure, we can plan, we can dream, we can assume, but only the Lord holds the map.
Just tonight, I made plans that went terribly awry. I had evey intention of going some place that I very much wanted to go, and things did not go as planned. If you'd asked me this morning where I would be tonight, it wouldnt have been where I sit right now. The old me might have been disraught over this. And I admit, I am a tad disappointed. Okay, a lot. But it was not meant to be.
Not knowing where we're going is almost more exciting than knowing where we're going. Not knowing keeps us relying on God, the one who has no beginning, no end. Our future lies in his hands. The journey has just begun!
Sep 2, 2008
Being faithful in the little things
I love this verse: If you are faithful in little things, you will be faithful in large ones...Luke 16:10
I am struggling right now, more than I have in quite some time. In raw honesty, here goes:
I feel a little discouraged. I feel dry. I feel lonely. I feel blah. I feel disappointed.
As I cried out to the Lord the other day, asking him for encouragement, my mind retreated to this verse. What a wonderful reminder to be content right where we are, despite our current circumstances. I admit, I dream about owning a home again someday. A home that fits my family, with every little nook and cranny I desire, space that is plentiful, and even a giant kitchen where I can play around with my spices. My husband dreams about starting his own business, doing something that fulfills him and brings him joy daily. We both dream about starting or being involved in a ministry of some sorts, reaching out to others who need to be encouraged. I feel like I'm meant to do more, to be more, to live more, yet here I am with my today. Still not feeling energized, still not meeting people, still struggling to get up each morning. This is so not me! Ugh! But as my mind replays that verse, it penetrates my heart, and I am once again reminded to be faithful right where I am, with what I have been given. This includes my house with the ant problem, leaky plumbing and torn screen doors. This includes my precious children, who need me more than ever, despite the fact that in two days three out of four of them will be in school full time! This includes loving my husband, folding his socks and underwear, and serving him meals and giving him my time. And this includes, first and foremost, trusting in the Lord, surrendering to him, and being patient in the place I am in. Whether greater things come in my future or not, I will try to be faithful in the little things. Besides, God's measuring stick is not always the same length as the one we use.
I am struggling right now, more than I have in quite some time. In raw honesty, here goes:
I feel a little discouraged. I feel dry. I feel lonely. I feel blah. I feel disappointed.
As I cried out to the Lord the other day, asking him for encouragement, my mind retreated to this verse. What a wonderful reminder to be content right where we are, despite our current circumstances. I admit, I dream about owning a home again someday. A home that fits my family, with every little nook and cranny I desire, space that is plentiful, and even a giant kitchen where I can play around with my spices. My husband dreams about starting his own business, doing something that fulfills him and brings him joy daily. We both dream about starting or being involved in a ministry of some sorts, reaching out to others who need to be encouraged. I feel like I'm meant to do more, to be more, to live more, yet here I am with my today. Still not feeling energized, still not meeting people, still struggling to get up each morning. This is so not me! Ugh! But as my mind replays that verse, it penetrates my heart, and I am once again reminded to be faithful right where I am, with what I have been given. This includes my house with the ant problem, leaky plumbing and torn screen doors. This includes my precious children, who need me more than ever, despite the fact that in two days three out of four of them will be in school full time! This includes loving my husband, folding his socks and underwear, and serving him meals and giving him my time. And this includes, first and foremost, trusting in the Lord, surrendering to him, and being patient in the place I am in. Whether greater things come in my future or not, I will try to be faithful in the little things. Besides, God's measuring stick is not always the same length as the one we use.
Aug 27, 2008
The Easy Button
There's a commercial that just came out..I think it's for Staples. A mom and daughter are shopping for a pair of jeans, which ring up over $200. The mom hands the clerk her "easy" button, and the clerk just shakes her head, saying "You can't use that here." The idea is that Staples will make your life easy, even if everyone else will not.
Ever want one of those "Easy Buttons"? I sure do, especially these days. Somewhere along the past few years, I got a bit burnt out on, well, everything. Lately, I just want easy. Easy friendships, that don't require launching into four hour explanations of my personal goals and life's tribulations. Easy recipes, that don't require more than three or four ingredients, and include things I can actually pronounce. An easy hair do, that takes me less than five minutes to accomplish, because, well, who has time for hair these days? Easy kids, that stay polite and clean their rooms and don't talk back. We just got a cat, while I'm not thrilled about adding to our already large brood, I figured it couldnt be too tough to keep. After all, cats are easy, right? They clean themselves, don't require lavish grooming and baths, and are happy with the store bought dry cat food and a bowl of water. Next to a goldfish, I can't think of many other animals so low maintenance. Easy.
Sometimes, I think we try to make our lives too complicated. I'm not saying life is easy by any means, or that it is even meant to be easy. James 1 promises trials in our life. But sometimes I think we try to make things more difficult than need be. Even when it comes to our relationship with God. We over spiritualize things, beat ourselves up for being a "bad " Christian, for not serving the Lord enough, not squeezing in our devotionals, volunteering for the church bake sale, and for not really wanting to visit the elderly home with four toddlers in tow. I used to feel guilty if I was not in at least two Bible studies. Then it occured to me that often I went with the wrong heart, or went just to go, rather than looking forward to the studies each week. I brought that meal a bit too reluctantly, grunting and frowning as I stirred up the mashed potatoes, grumbling something like "I hope they sure appreciate this. If I make one more batch of barbecue chicken and potatoes I'm going to throw a spatula at someone!" (Okay, not really, but you get the point)
Lately, God has shown me how truly simple it is to have a relationship with Him. "Just love me, encourage your husband, and minister to your kids" I felt him say to me. I then realized I don't have to "impress" God. He is the creator of the universe. A guy who hung the moon and the stars certainly doesnt need impressing. He just wants my heart. Plain and simple, willing and ready. He doesn't keep keep a tally sheet of times I attended church or how many Bible studies I signed up for. He simply wants me. All of me. Easy.
Frankly, nothing has come easily to me in life. I worked from the time I was a young teen to buy my own clothes, saving up my wadded twenty dollar bills, my hard earned babysitting money, for a new school wardrobe. College wasn't any easier. I busted my butt and paid off student loans while everyone else seemed to sail through on daddy's dollar. Throw a two year old boy and a part time job in the mix, and life was certainly anything but easy. I sure could have used an "Easy button" back then.
Fast forward a few years, and life still isnt easy. And probably never will be. And that's just the way it is. But I'm learning we sometimes don't have to make it as hard as it is. Letting go, giving ourselves grace, trusting in God, learning to rest, not expect the world from ourselves or from others....somehow, life becomes easier, simpler, more meaningful. No button required.
Ever want one of those "Easy Buttons"? I sure do, especially these days. Somewhere along the past few years, I got a bit burnt out on, well, everything. Lately, I just want easy. Easy friendships, that don't require launching into four hour explanations of my personal goals and life's tribulations. Easy recipes, that don't require more than three or four ingredients, and include things I can actually pronounce. An easy hair do, that takes me less than five minutes to accomplish, because, well, who has time for hair these days? Easy kids, that stay polite and clean their rooms and don't talk back. We just got a cat, while I'm not thrilled about adding to our already large brood, I figured it couldnt be too tough to keep. After all, cats are easy, right? They clean themselves, don't require lavish grooming and baths, and are happy with the store bought dry cat food and a bowl of water. Next to a goldfish, I can't think of many other animals so low maintenance. Easy.
Sometimes, I think we try to make our lives too complicated. I'm not saying life is easy by any means, or that it is even meant to be easy. James 1 promises trials in our life. But sometimes I think we try to make things more difficult than need be. Even when it comes to our relationship with God. We over spiritualize things, beat ourselves up for being a "bad " Christian, for not serving the Lord enough, not squeezing in our devotionals, volunteering for the church bake sale, and for not really wanting to visit the elderly home with four toddlers in tow. I used to feel guilty if I was not in at least two Bible studies. Then it occured to me that often I went with the wrong heart, or went just to go, rather than looking forward to the studies each week. I brought that meal a bit too reluctantly, grunting and frowning as I stirred up the mashed potatoes, grumbling something like "I hope they sure appreciate this. If I make one more batch of barbecue chicken and potatoes I'm going to throw a spatula at someone!" (Okay, not really, but you get the point)
Lately, God has shown me how truly simple it is to have a relationship with Him. "Just love me, encourage your husband, and minister to your kids" I felt him say to me. I then realized I don't have to "impress" God. He is the creator of the universe. A guy who hung the moon and the stars certainly doesnt need impressing. He just wants my heart. Plain and simple, willing and ready. He doesn't keep keep a tally sheet of times I attended church or how many Bible studies I signed up for. He simply wants me. All of me. Easy.
Frankly, nothing has come easily to me in life. I worked from the time I was a young teen to buy my own clothes, saving up my wadded twenty dollar bills, my hard earned babysitting money, for a new school wardrobe. College wasn't any easier. I busted my butt and paid off student loans while everyone else seemed to sail through on daddy's dollar. Throw a two year old boy and a part time job in the mix, and life was certainly anything but easy. I sure could have used an "Easy button" back then.
Fast forward a few years, and life still isnt easy. And probably never will be. And that's just the way it is. But I'm learning we sometimes don't have to make it as hard as it is. Letting go, giving ourselves grace, trusting in God, learning to rest, not expect the world from ourselves or from others....somehow, life becomes easier, simpler, more meaningful. No button required.
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